:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Monday, April 25, 2005 ::

So I think I'm coming down with something.

I can't find my damn health insurance card anywhere...I really hope it didn't get tossed out or something. This entire house is so fucking dim that searching for anything is a near-impossibility. It infuriates me. No matter how many blinds I open or lights I turn on, you still can't see a blessed thing.

Vera and Stevie stopped in my store last night...Stevie is becoming disinterested in life and doesn't seem happy to see me anymore...it's disconcerting; she's also starting to resemble her older brother - I've yet to see her in clothing that doesn't bear a logo of a band that lost a lead singer under dubious circumstances. I just pray to whatever god she doesn't pick up on drugs or drinking.

I realize now how heavily impacted I was by losing my ability to help Stephanie, TJ and Nichole in my youth. The doomed children of my mother's friend, whose parenting skills were right up there with...god, I don't even think there's a reference...I watched and worried over them as best I could for as long as I could. They, a family of con-artists, junkies, and thieves, have undoubtably changed their names several times since I'd last seen them at about age 15 - I can't find them and a small part of me is afraid to. I loved those children with the heart a mother does her own. I feel that same love for Stevie, that all-encompassing urge to somehow change her life for the better. She doesn't have a very bad life, truth be told, nowhere near Stephanie's, but she needs love all the same. I feel so helpless...I feel as if I have managed to fail 5 children. I would give anything to make sure they were all alright.

Vera had a room open in her house, for 450, she had wanted to rent out, but Joey doesn't want to do that. He wants to move out on our own. Right now, he seems to be rather sold on the idea of a trailer. He says it will be temporary, but these things seldom are. I am unhappy and upset. I feel as if he won't discuss any moving arrangements or ideas with me, that my attempts to study on mortgages go unnoticed. This should be something we're doing together. I feel as if all the decisions have been made already, and it depresses me. I downplay my own ideas when I feel he isn't or doesn't want to listen, and now I barely say anything, these days. His ideas always turn out better than mine do - so why does it bother me so much?

I don't know - maybe it's hormones. I usually get despondent around my female week. All I know is it seems like too much effort to breathe right now.

~Fox
:: Fox 4/25/2005 12:36:00 PM [Say what?] ::
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