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:: Friday, September 10, 2004 ::

Hello all;

I'm feeling ok, I suppose. I had a long and tear-inducing conversation with my father the other night about school...apparently, he'd rather I stop working altogether and just go to school full time. I told him I couldn't, because then I couldn't pay things like the $200 a month here and my cell phone bill, but he didn't seem to like that answer much. Joey kind of inflamed that whole all-consuming need in him to make me go and see a doctor, so that sucks. Three times, I tried to go to the base, and three times things didn't work, and he says I didn't try at all...that kind of pisses me off. It's not my fault the military is fucked up. I feel fine. I know exactly what's wrong with me - I have stress asthma, need to get my wisdom teeth out at some point, and I'm overweight. I've altered my diet pretty considerably by adding tons of natural foods, and I started taking B vitamins for the lack of red meat in my diet (I've been bruising really easily because of it) E vitamins, and calcium supplements in the morning with Joey, and I take Trimspa to keep my appetite down. I don't eat pizza or drink soda anymore, I don't snack on crappy stuff, and I've been eating things (like dark leafy greens) I usually didn't. I'd rather see if this makes me feel better first...I don't like doctors much. At all.

My mom still isn't speaking to me, so I guess she doesn't have any plans on recognizing my birthday. It hurts...she really must think I am a disgrace to the family if she's so adamant she can't apologize to me. For those of you who think this is a stupid disagreement, let me just say that this isn't me being stubborn...there is so much that I can't even say, because I don't want to be so petty as that. I want to get all of it off my chest in the worst way...I want to scream and cry and yell and curse and do everything else I've been holding back on that woman since she estranged my father - but I'd rather move on with my life than get mired in hatred. I've reached a plateau of very sad, quiet understanding as to what the future will be for me. I've accepted, but I will always, always miss her. I wish she didn't have to hurt the people she loves.

When I was young, very young, I dreamed I would die six days from now. I think that I have lived my life at least partially believing that all these years. Privately, I explore that reality like a child with a loose tooth or a sleeper at the edges of a waking dream...tenetively, with the greatest caution and curiosity. I have visited the beach nearly every night for a week, staring at the waves and wanting to walk into them. I have had passages of Dan Brown repeat inside my head...how the delicate tissues of the lung react to water, the process of drowning, rendered both scientifically and emotionally; as emotionally as one not aquainted firsthand may portray it. I feel disconnected, as though I look down at my life from a great height, and find it is the life of a total stranger. The solid shapes of life have rotted, and when I place a hand to them, they sink into themselves and emit an aura of death, and decay. I ask myself, if, loving Joseph, I could ever ponder leaving him in life...and I realize that these dark dreams have nothing at all to do with him. That I do love him, as unwaveringly as ever, but it is a wholly separate matter that he does not factor into, logically. He does not enter into this equation because his value is not of the same ilk as these. He is separate, loved and separate, from the continuation of my breath. Likewise, with my family - all the small, everyday things seem more and more of a faraway rote, a sort of autopilot that has been years working. I feel disjointed and hazed inside my own thoughts, and I feel as though I am laying down to dream the greatest dream ever known - of terrible importance and need to something unknown to us.

I believe that I have died, inside. How can I mourn my passing when I did not even notice my life escape me?

~Fox

:: Fox 9/10/2004 05:36:00 PM [Say what?] ::
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