:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Saturday, July 24, 2004 ::

So, as usual, lots has changed.

First of all, Joey and I moved back to his dad's...so here I am, back here in Middletown again. It's nice here, but very small...at least we were able to fit my full size bed in his room...took a lot of rearranging.  


I'm not holding up too well...I feel like a 21 year old cardboard box that's been held together with tape one too many times. My mom and I aren't speaking...she said something to me the other day that broke the barriers of allowable hypocrisy and pretty much pushed me past my limit for dealing with her. The circumstances have ceased to be of importance to me at this point in my life...I've come to expect that everyone is going to hurt me sooner or later, and badly. It's not even a pity thing...it's simply seeing clearly, like the world just handed me my glasses. Of course I have a lot of the baser emotions running through my body like it's a fucking amusement park, but it's nowhere I haven't been before. I finally understand what authors mean when their characters express "seething hatred" and "silent and hopeless despair". I feel like someone shoved me into a very large, very empty bucket and let me there to rot. It's the panic you feel when you know you should have a certain feeling 'around you', but there's nothing but empty air - the childhood fear of the dark, the cold when you know you will be alone in that cold for an unspecified and probably long length of time and you are underdressed, the disconcerting feeling of going to lean on a piece of familiar furniture or a guardrail on a mountain pass and finding yourself grasping empty air,  unbalanced in the wrong direction. I've been physically sick, exhausted, and breaking into hysterics at some point nearly every day. Joey has been my rock, supporting me and offering comfort where there would be absolutely none without him. I thank god that this nightmare has at least bridged the gap between my father and I as well. Apparently, my stepmother is more on my side than I thought....just hearing my father responding to my tearful recount of the past week or so had her audibly upset and at tears. I don't know what will become of this, but I know the relationship I once had with my mother is dead and gone. If filling another room with your shit and boarding over another door for a "closet" is that important, go to town mom. If I'm a "disgrace" to a miserable skeleton of a family built on horrific parenting, emotional blackmail, blameless crimes, consistent divorces,  and god knows what else, I'll try not to let it keep me up at night. I couldn't imagine trying to live knowing that I should be "ashamed" of myself for not chatting up a storm with a woman who can barely hear me and doesn't care if I live or die. Don't worry about me inconveniencing you or her with my inferiority any longer...all my things will be out of your house, forever, very soon.

So, as you can see, yes, I am a little bitter. Likely to be for a long time. I'm going to live my life from here and try and keep it running smoothly. I don't know what I'm doing yet for school...I still owe them over 800, and I only have 400 right now. I'm going to leave my job soon, the stress is a little too much. There was a huge ordeal over $53 that went missing, I ended up paying out of pocket, and it was later found to be a mistake on Laura's part that she just decided wasn't important enough to fix. I got my money back, but I also got a renewed sense of what a purgatory that place is...and, to be realistic about matters, I need a job that pays me legally. I redid my resume and am applying to pier one...the vibe is very nice there and it's a mostly female staff. There, B&N, and Linens and Things, but Pier One is my first choice. I'm headed over there shortly.

I worked a double yesterday and I'm working most of a double today - at least yesterday will go toward my paycheck this wednesday...I already had about 18 hours at my $7 rate (which is another reason I'm leaving...if I make a certain rate, I should make it all the time) plus the 11 hours at my $9 manager rate yesterday, so I got about $216 coming to me. Hopefully more. I'm doing pretty well on my bills, but I can't leave this job until I'm reasonably sure I can find another job I'll not only be happy with, but one that can also pay me what I'm worth. I put on the pier one app that I need $9 an hour for customer service...if I'm lucky, maybe they'll let me have a manager's position for more. That's if they even take me. ::sigh::

I'm very sleepy...I wish I had more time to do things today. A lot has to be done at my old house. I never thought I'd see the day where I'd want to be here before there. Go figure.

~Fox





:: Fox 7/24/2004 02:36:00 PM [Say what?] ::
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