:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Wednesday, June 30, 2004 ::

-The Rant-

My away message, monday night, circa 1 in the morning:

It's amazing how little we know about the people we love - and how vulnerable that ignorance can make us. My fairytale is broken, my dreams cracked and shattered - and all I can manage is stoic and muscle-tense sleeplessness.

Two separate evils, we my love -
What more is there to say?
I am deepest night, my love
And you, the glaring day.

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Joe decided that right after a double shift at work would be a good time for me to get the old "You're ruining my entire life" speech. Basically, I've apparently stripped him of his individuality, turned him into a clone of myself, make him absolutely miserable...etc, etc. Not bad for only 10 months of work. That was sarcasm, in case you weren't following.

Bitter? Yeah, I'm bitter. Because now that I've heard the speech for the third time, I finally realize that human beings have free will and make their own decisions, and that I am not capable, willing, or ever have been either when it comes to destroying lives. I told him that if he truly believed what he was telling me, that I was ruining his life, to leave. That we were over. Remarkably, even the now-familiar blind oh-my-god panic I'm used to seemed subdued in the face of reason. I love Joe. I always have loved Joe. I have been faithful to a fault when it comes to loyalty. I have overlooked enough things to notice within, but not dehabilitate, our relationship. So has he. I thought we worked fairly well together, but then, I believed the same of Marco and Jon before the Amanda and Shannon disasters, respectively. The men I've known choose to keep so much to themselves and refuse to admit a problem, in the hopes of correction, in favor of allowing the total breakdown of a relationship both parties have invested quite a great deal into. It's just fucking idiocy and I'm sick of it. Monday night, I finally reached the breaking point between "understanding" and being real about life. I was finally the one to make a choice, instead of a choice being made for me.

-The Truth-

No, Joe and I are still together. Apparently, it took the actual and very real near-loss of me to have him say the things I have been waiting endlessly to hear, the things I have asked for, suggested, and nearly pleaded for, for 10 months. I realize now that the men of my past could not possibly have loved me, because I saw in this man, the man I love, the burning need - the need that eclipses all else, the absolute breath of the living heart - for me. And I realized, that this, whatever we may have, however broken it may be at times, is worth the cost of a thousand misfortunes. This is my heart. He is my heart. My warrior, my strength, and the breathless possibility of the horizon. He is the security of stone, with the mutability of the living wood.

Joseph, I love you. To whatever end, I love you. Let the world know that my soul knows only one name.

As it is said - all the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.

~Fox
:: Fox 6/30/2004 05:55:00 PM [Say what?] ::
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