:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Saturday, May 08, 2004 ::

I live in an in-between state where peace is present only because nothing is actually registering. Some fairly important sensor in my brain broke off and floated into the void of space, and here I sit, unfeeling save for the knee-jerk reactions a 6 year old might have.

A continual, dazed feeling of vertigo and disassociation marks the hours, and I can't seem to make the moments connect properly - my entire flow of time is distorted. Unfocused and constantly shifting, the world blurs heavily around my edges. Driving becomes a deadly thing. Concentration is more and more steadily eluding me.

It shifts from a mental, or emotional problem into a physical one. It's becoming almost impossible to do certain tasks I used to do unthinkingly. I feel stupid, and slow, and even my speech is suffering - I'm stuttering and my tongue is too thick to manage syllables around, at times. Add this to the problems I had already, and each day feels like a 24 hour long SAT exam with no breaks. My nervousness is completely out of hand, and my pulse jumps into my throat at the slightest provocation. I scour my skin with my nails as I used to do when I was a child and severely unstable..there is always blood, and wounds, on my face. I can't *help* it and it's *killing* me. I know how unattractive I must seem to my boyfriend - and though I know he wouldn't leave me for it, I have always strived to look nice for him. The other day, pushed past my breaking point, my nails cut into my arm. All the injuries I can't give to those who are hurting me are turning into my own skin. Such is the price of self-restraint, when all is said and done.

My schoolwork is failing miserably because I feel utterly useless, that nothing I can do can change anything. Paralyzing fear cripples me when I go to do things - my stomach knots up, and I've thrown up a few times. I fear things I never used to think twice about, and everything stable in my life has been made unstable. I think, perhaps, by the end of the summer, I will need to be hospitalized. I've hung on as long as I can, but the end is growing near. I have control over almost nothing now, nor do I grasp much of an idea of what goes on around me. I am utterly lost.

Forgive me, friends, for such serious words. All of you have shown such kind concern for me, and I have no doubt that those few words you've all sent are the main reason I'm still standing. Perfect strangers that have afforded me the comforting and optimism a biological parent never could, you have filled an empty part of my life with your presence. Thank you.

~Fox
:: Fox 5/08/2004 06:15:00 PM [Say what?] ::
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