:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Friday, April 09, 2004 ::

Things are looking up a little, I suppose.

I mean, I still sense a rift between Joe and I, but I think it's more the "honeymoon" being over then the relationship. I'm starting to notice he isn't perfect. As stupid as that sounds, it's true. We're starting to see the faults in one another, and it's a lot to adjust to. Plus, he doesn't hate his ex and I *really* wish he would. I know, I know. Petty as all hell, but I have to speak my mind, here. It just seems that when I caught him and finally confronted him about talking to her in ways no taken man should, he said some things about her that weren't ridiculous c-word bad, but just bad enough to make me feel that he was totally over her. A week prior to my confronting him, he had said he wasn't sorry at all that he had given it up to her, despite the whole cheating-lying-making-him-want-to-kill-himself 8 month stint bullshit where she ripped out his heart and ground salt and glass into it. He confessed to me after I confronted him that he had indeed had regrets about it, but didn't want to admit to himself that the event was wasted on such a person, but was ready to accept that now. Now, all of a sudden, it feels to me like he's okay with her again, and she's back in that sainted place in his heart where I can never be - the place a woman he would fight for gets to stay. Joe would never sit on my car to keep me from leaving his life, but he did it without a moment's thought for her. That's what hurts. No one ever has fought for me, and no one ever will. I don't inspire that kind of passion in him, or hardly any at all, it seems at times. I try to keep him happy, but I constantly feel like I'm failing. I've started to cry again, at night, for the thousand ghosts that seem to follow me throughout my life. Echoes of sharp-edged memories that tear at skin barely healed. My entire core is starting to deteriorate...I can feel it, very present at the center of my life.

And all the while, this sensation of falling into freezing blackness...

~Fox

:: Fox 4/09/2004 07:23:00 PM [Say what?] ::
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