:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Tuesday, April 27, 2004 ::

So I haven't been writing much about my day to day exploits anymore because I'm so busy with drama, so here goes:

Saturday night, I worked my first shift as a 'manager' at work...it means a crapload of responsibility and 9 bucks instead of 7.50 (7, actually, for no apparent reason) so it's not *much* of a difference, but a difference nonetheless. I mostly sit there and read books and shit, so why am I gonna upset the balance? I'm not 'officially' a manager, but Alicia, one of the other managers, is screwing up a lot and is plagued with apathy and poor work ethic, so that's most likely gonna change.

Sunday, Joey and I had waffles in the morning and went for a barefoot drive, still in our pjs for the most part. Was fun. We hit costco (he got a stereo that would later prove incompatible with my electronic equipment) and target (picked up some rubbermaid keepers that I'll hopefully get around to using soon.) Then we went to Blockbuster and picked up the Dave Chapelle DVD and went home and watched some of it, he played the Drakengard game I got him for his b-day for awhile, and I napped on his chest while he was playing. It was a pretty peaceful day.

Yesterday, we went to our jobs, and then he went to his dad's and I hung out with Jake, a new friend from work. Jake's okay, I suppose. He's got a player attitude that's almost tangible, and just being with him and his friends most of the night made me lose a lot of faith men could ever be faithful. I had dreams of infidelity that night and woke up in a bad mood. Joe started telling me about a side spa-repair job he wants to run, and that he wants this friend he has from work, Nicole, to run it with him, and I just got disheartened. I mean, we only really get two days together during the week, and now he's undoubtably going to be spending one with his father, and now one with this side project....I mean, I don't know. I support him in pursuing this, I think it's a good idea and should do well, but he doesn't seem to care about my input at all. That alone hurts, because I'm good at marketing and I have the awards to prove it and he knows that. And then he sees the worry-crease in my forehead, and, without even asking me what it's about, he says "I'm going to do this whether you like it or not." Then he got up and left me upset on the bed, going about his tasks and errands without even bothering to ask if I was alright. I felt like someone had stabbed me with a letter opener in the gut. I mean, arguing is one thing, but I felt in that second like I was some kind of possession to him, like some petulant child and not a girlfriend who is supposed to be an equal. He meant it, too. I should have seen it in him, that focus, that "my goals will always come before you" mindset he's always kept. Yes, that is the healthy attitude, or so the psychological community maintains, but there are also certain sacrifices to be made for love. I would never ask him to abandon any dreams he had or has, but for him to so blatantly dismiss something I needed to talk about...it hurt on a deeper level.

I've made a lot of mistakes, too. I'm sure I hurt him, too. But he keeps *everything* inside and only knows how to explode when it becomes too much, no matter how many times I ask him not to do that. So I guess my only choices in life are firey men that express through physical methods and break my heart in a fury, or cold men who view everything as pros and cons and ice it over slowly. ::sighs:: I complain too much. Joe and I are happy together, it's just this morning stuck in my throat a little. I'm positive I've driven him absolutely insane on more than one occasion, but I've tried so hard never to crush any goals or dreams he has. I want him to have this, very much. That he could ever believe I don't, and that he is capable of throwing me to the wayside if I get in the way...it's just not something I want to think about.

My social life is starting to thaw out again, and people are pulling at me to join in the late nights and parties again. I don't want to go anymore, and it has nothing to do with Joe. I just want a laptop, so I can go somewhere and do nothing but write, and exist on saltines and aquafina. I don't want to be around people, I don't want to play the games anymore. I want to curl up under a tree and do nothing but write and dream for the rest of the summer. The vulpine in me lives for a solitary existence. Now, as many times in the past, I almost wish I could don robes and serve the goddess for the rest of my days - tend her gardens, write her words, and be her ward. She alone understands the twisted paths of a tangled heart.

~Fox


:: Fox 4/27/2004 01:58:00 PM [Say what?] ::
...