:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Thursday, February 05, 2004 ::

While I am eating more now, my intake is barely half of what it was, and I try and shy away from eating before nightfall.

I drift in and out of violent changes of moods, often finding myself on a brink where the slightest occurance sends me into tears. I'm struggling every day to keep my head above the waters that have threatened my lungs since early youth. My boyfriend has also fallen into this abyss...perhaps triggered by my own despondency, perhaps by nothing at all. We are an unhappy pair, unhappy in ourselves and thusly together.

I am jealous, yes. I admit it. It's what likely started all this. He has a wealth of female friends that he talks to behind the silent obscured screen of his computer, who leave him text messages and voicemail on his phone - lost and lonely souls to the last of them. Perhaps the hardest twist of the knife to bear is the 14 year old sister of the one friend he refuses to let me associate with. You do not salve the wounds of a 14 year old's heart by offering flirtations, especially when you are 22. I don't know what to make of it. He says to my eyes that he is truthful, that any ties to that ilk with any other girl have been severed, that I am his only....and yet, in my heart, my woman's heart, I have so much trouble believing it. How am I to get past this? What can make me finally believe him as I so desperately want to do? And should I even?

I start to question if I am so anxious to be accepted and loved that I'm justifying and rationalizing things that I shouldn't. In my heart of hearts, I believe the man I love to be a good and honest man, but I have so much trouble believing he is that for me.

And so, I arrive again at this stasis, this empty and dark room of the soul. I've known it twice before, and I know the ends to which it arrived to. I only pray that I can escape those selfsame ends that had so mercilessly caught up with me before.

~Fox
:: Fox 2/05/2004 11:39:00 AM [Say what?] ::
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