:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Sunday, January 11, 2004 ::

Today has been a day of introspection.

I feel divided again, and, though I know I'm going to stay with the life I have now, I have a lot of internal questions that keep coming up answerless.

I suppose what started this all off was Henry's party...

Henry, being a good friend, has invited me to the last three parties he's held, in some cases IMing me personally to ask if I was coming. Now, in fairness, I mostly couldn't attend due to my work schedule. However, the last one I didn't attend because of a difference in character between Henry and Joey.

Henry is my ex, though we dated all of a week, we were semi-physically involved. I came clean to Joey about this, I didn't want to lie to him about how I met Henry. He also knows that I'm completely not interested romantically, physically, or in any other way that strays out of friendship with the guy. Henry put me through about as much emotional crap as an almost-stranger can manage in the course of a week, plus I've gotten to know him and realize that I would have made a very bad mistake dating him, even if I had. Regardless, we're friends now, and Henry's new girlfriend, Kirsten, has become a very close friend to me, strangely enough.

I brought Joey to two Henry-parties, and the second one, I was piled into bed with Henry, Meg, and Kirsten, and all the girls were petting one another's hair. This wasn't unusual, this was what we always did...it was a sisterly thing. I tugged Joey in with us to join the cuddling, and, while he seemed at ease with it, I was very surprised to see Henry get tense and snippy. To be honest, I even forget what exactly was said, but Henry said something to the ends of all the girls in the bed belonged to him, and it had an edge to it that wasn't entirely joking. Joe tried to keep it light, but Henry killed the mood and drove a gap between himself and my boyfriend, and, consequently, me.

Henry and the house-parties he has are the last vestiges of a life that started with a velvet "freak" patch pinned to my flannel on the wildwood boardwalk at age 14. I started my goth life then, peaked it with the Iron Garden/SOD cult/Marco year, and sadly, see it dwindling down and gasping for air now.

I went to the club with Iris back in October, trying to regain what I felt I lost, and ended up almost falling into the arms of David and Laura. The truth remains that if I am to keep my footing in the 'dark life', as it were, it has to be with a dark mate, or I start pulling at those around me to fill the void.

Joey has made it quietly obvious that he won't go to any more Henry parties, save under duress. What am I to do? Henry and Kirsten are my friends, and the last real goths, save 'ris, that I know and are close with. I feel a panic, because I am starting to grow older, nearly too old for the dark life - there comes an age, although yet undefined, that one ceases to be a child of the dark and begins to appear as a has-been, a holder-on...one that will not go with dignity, raging against the light. I grow closer to that image, now...too close for comfort.

~Fox


:: Fox 1/11/2004 07:08:00 PM [Say what?] ::
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