:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Friday, January 30, 2004 ::

I am unsure if I am in the eye of the storm or picking up the aftermath.

I haven't eaten for 48 hours now, save for a handful of cheezits last night that I had to literally force down. I have reached the clarity of mind and the ability to focus on something other than the thoughts in my head that comes with staving off food for extended periods. I am lucid, liquid, and light. I'm drinking a lot of water and basically starving myself as a mechanism for coping with grief and insurmountable depression. I've no drugs or liquor that I would allow myself to turn to, and I made a pact with a friend of mine a time ago to stop cutting up my arms, so this is my sole alternative.

It's strange how you reach a plateau with hunger. I'm a greedy American, so this tiny window of time without food seems massive to my country mindset. I feel guilty doing this intentionally while others have no choice, but we all have our lots in life. The pain I feel is something of a dull ache, and I have surpassed the hardest hurdle, in which one grows ravenous and the ability to cling to hunger as a concept is constantly threatened by the irritated screeching of the drive human. Survive! it screams. I'm trying to! I scream back. Eventually, we both get tired and I finally find the hard-won admittance to this emotion, this plateau, this strange and painful peace.

I'm starting to develop irrational fear of eating, and considering trying to incorporate a good deal more water and natural foods into my diet. It's so strange to feel almost disgusted at the concept of eating, even very good food. Joey and I are going out to Bertucci's tonight...I want to do something nice for him, try and get us back to how we were before the latest assortment of misfortunes and sorrow. I am almost sad at the thought of ruining this hungry peace I've managed. Twisted and psychologically unhealthy, I'm sure. I've lost some water weight and I actually am starting to enjoy what I see in the mirror when I turn sideways. I feel focused and gentle, quiet and steadfast. I feel aware of my entire body - I tremble, my heart races, my mind swoops dizzily. We take so much for granted and lose so much sensation when we are full, fat, and warm. I am loath to abandon this for the muted shadow I was, full.

~Fox
:: Fox 1/30/2004 07:49:00 PM [Say what?] ::
...