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:: Sunday, November 02, 2003 ::

Ok, so Samhain ended badly.

Joey and I fought a bit, and I ended up crying...I swear, I don't know why this crap has to happen on my only real holiday of the year. Just once, I wish people would realize how desperately I am trying to have a good day and try and work with me. It's absolutely maddening, and I'm pretty furious over my holiday getting ruined yet again.

I went out with Joey's friend Paul to his birthday gathering thing...there were eight of us, five I knew, one I didn't...the food wasn't bad, but everyone basically talked about cars and no one wanted to go to improv jam. We went back to Dave's house, where we sat outside in the cold (cindy and I were freezing) and talked and talked and I had to listen to god damn "we were so high" stories (and everyone KNOWS how much I LOVE them) half the night from Dave about him and Joe's high school years. Don't get me wrong, I think Dave's a really great guy, and I'm fully aware that this is part of Joey's past that came well before me, and he's not going to do it again and hasn't for years, but anyone close to me knows how thoroughly it fucks me up, regardless of when it was or with who. It takes a great deal of effort for me to be so close with someone who has used sothu, and admittedly drank a great deal in the past as well. I start getting panicked as a sparrow in a glass box when the subject even comes up - I feel my chest tighten up and my eyes sting and I just want to run shrieking away from it. I don't think anyone understands just how badly the entire concept hurts me.

::sighs:: I mean, I'm getting over it, I guess. Joey genuinely cares about my well-being and I know he tries to censor himself for my benefit...he can hardly help the fact I'm hypersensitive about it. I took him knowing his past...the same way he can't fault my host of exes, I can't fault what happened before he even knew who I was.

This is all incidental stuff...he and I are fine. We're content in our rythyms - I stay here nearly all the time now - my visit to Q's was the last time I slept at home lately. We go to bed around 11 or 12, take out the desk chair, drag in the air mattress, he settles in for the night on his bed, I settle in on my mattress, sometimes we talk a little but we're usually dog tired..he sets the alarm for 7:30, at 7:30 I crawl into his bed and we hug and sleep for another half hour or so, then get ready for work. It's a very comforting routine, in all honesty. It's a domestic closeness I didn't even really have with guys I shared a bed with.

I don't know how to feel about life, really. It's so stupid, but the only thing I'm really upset over is this necklace that I bought and lost on Halloween. Hopefully I'll find it.

Yesterday, in contrast to Samhain, was really terribly nice. Joey and I got to sleep in a little, we left the house at 10ish, he drove my car and his dad drove Joey's new Grand Prix, we got mcdonald's for breakfast, and then drove up to East Brunswick to watch Kelly and Karen's respective soccer games (Kelly's didn't really have a score, but Karen's team unfortunately lost 5-0) - the whole lot of us then went out to a Chinese place, Kelly slept in my lap while I ate, and we all headed back to their house. I sat with the girls, played Atari, played with my little ponies, played with slot car racing, watched Joey play piano, and watched a really nice DVD compilation of their trip to San Diego. I actually called into work and got Ally to cover two extra hours for me so I could stay a bit longer. I'll make it up in my check cause I'm covering for Alicia today, and next check cause I'm covering her Tuesday.

That's all for now, I suppose. I have to work on some projects for school.

~Fox
:: Fox 11/02/2003 09:31:00 AM [Say what?] ::
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