:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Saturday, November 08, 2003 ::

Last night was another bad night.

I was only trying to get to Borders to apply, which I *swear* I knew where it was, and I ended up in freaking Jamesburg. I called Joey and was flipping out and really really upset (I get like that whenever I'm really lost and can't make maps in my head) and ended up upsetting both of us.

Anyway, I'm better now, officially re-registered, and trying to get my shit together. I was deleting my messages on the personals site yet again (Having trouble figuring out how to unsubscribe without deleting...want to keep the ad up there for when I re-do the lavalife project - at least I figured out how to get them to stop sending me mail..) and I'm deleting without paying much attention, and then I have one of those weird vertigo moments when your brain tries to catch up with reality, and I realized I was looking at the very ad that got Joey and I together.

It's weird looking at that picture (it doesn't look terribly like him because the hair's so short..) and thinking "Wow. That's my boyfriend. I've been dating that guy for three months." The picture's just there mixed in like all the others, ready to be deleted. Joey's ad was like a single card pulled out of a playing deck, randomly. I don't know how to express it, it's just a curious concept. I could have ended up with any one of those men I was deleting. Many had IMed me and talked with me on cam like Joey did...there was nothing terribly remarkable about the first meeting except that it went well.

He had IMed me on yahoo, didn't have a picture, so I'm like, okay, another 40 year old creep trying to pose as a 22 year old. He said no no no, he was for real, wait til he got home from work and he'd set up his webcam so I could see. I said ok and forgot about it. I get another IM later in the day and was about 2 seconds from deleting it when he mentions that we talked earlier. I grudgingly agree to see him on cam, seriously expecting one of those annoying conversations in which the guy thinks he's being *really* slick and moves with all the subtlety of a fireworks display towards cyber or cam sex and I have to block yet another person for being a moron. But we just talked, and he actually made me laugh a great deal...I distinctly remember our mutual discussion on geeks involved talking dirty to each other in code...(00010100101 baby...) and I was trying to read his bookcase and see what he had hanging in his closet. I more or less forced him to go to improv jam with me the same night because I didn't want to go alone, and figured I'd kill two birds with one stone. We met up at the broadway diner, where I was pleasantly surprised to find him taller than me (around here, it's a rarity) and he had a burger, I think, and I had matzo ball soup. Improv Jam was fairly amusing, and afterwards, we sat in my car and talked, and he asked, very politely, if I would mind if he kissed me. My mind kind of tripped over itself trying to adjust for the change in subject and all I could manage was a bitchy sounding "What, now?" That I still kinda feel bad about. Needless to say, he didn't get his kiss - think I scared him. We went back to his house and watched a movie...it was either Life of Brian or Atlantis because we watched both of those in the beginning. He went with me to Henry's party the next night, and we started hanging out every day until he sort of broke up with me about two or three weeks in for a very odd assortment of reasons that still kind of leave me confused, even all this time later. It seems like he changed his mind about everything virtually overnight, and I've always kind of wondered about that. My only guess is he had feelings for someone else but they didn't pan out, but it seems unlikely it would have happened in the scarce week we weren't "together". I went out with Ryan and Vince, mostly to say my goodbyes to them, both were leaving for colleges, and I really needed Vince's guidance after a shakeup like that. He got me back on my feet before leaving for Miami, and to be honest, I sometimes wonder what things would have been like now if he hadn't had to leave New Jersey. However, to quote the Desiderata, and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Well, I suppose that's it. I just wanted to get it down to appease my own ever-moving mind.

~Fox

:: Fox 11/08/2003 09:23:00 AM [Say what?] ::
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