:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Wednesday, October 08, 2003 ::

Okay, well, a virus kind of ate my computer.

Hence, my entries will be few and far between until I either get this comp fixed or get a new one. Joey's working on fixing this one, so hopefully it'll be the former option over the latter.

I sleep over Joey's a lot these days, mostly because I just get too damn tired to drive home. I broke down last night and cried viciously....I feel really bad that I have to keep leaning on Joe over this stuff, which has nothing to do with him...he takes it like a trooper, thankfully. My life is too full of stuff, and too many people need me, and the threads are finally starting to unravel. Between forensics meets, school, work, english club, and personal issues, it's really too much to deal with at one time. I have what feels like a heavy metal brick in my chest, worrying over Vince, as well. I don't get to talk to him as much as I'd like to with the schedule I keep. I wonder every night if he's alright, if I could be doing more for him.

I ran into a friend of Dave and Laura's today, and it kind of floored me. I tend to forget pieces of my life, and a single stimuli will throw everything back into comprehension at once. I felt....badly...wrong, and cold and vulnerable. Now that I'm in a stable relationship, the horrors of the emotional masochisms I put myself through are catching up to me. Dave and Laura were some kind of self-imposed penance....my meditation only comes through complete, bottomless misery - when you become so depressed, you are calm. I forced myself to accept their offers, to live with them, and watch them love one another as equals, and me as a pet - a sidethought and stand-in. I found absolute peace and pure sadness...I think I understood myself better for being emeshed in it, but alternately, I carry permanent mental scars.

Again, the eternal question: Where does the universe begin, and my soul end? When does my forever come?

j'ai deux coeurs...une pour la loupe de la foret, et une pour le ville de homme.

~Fox
:: Fox 10/08/2003 06:55:00 PM [Say what?] ::
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