:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Friday, October 17, 2003 ::

I am unable to find clarity or peace, even now.

Yesterday, I separated myself from everything, even Joey. He got nervous and scared because he thought I was going to break up with him. I had considered it, but I know I couldn't. I care a great deal about him, even though I'm unhappy in the present situation. It isn't his fault...he pushes himself to be the best boyfriend he can be for me, while dealing with much of the pressures I have in my own life, himself. I just ask for a lot in a mate.

I spent the day in the company of similar mindset - namely, Ryan. We had lunch with Brian, and then walked for awhile, went to my occult lit class together, then went for a drive. Somewhere between 70 and 80 miles an hour, in a thunderbird, on a backwoods farm road with cowboy bebop jazz playing, I let my hurt and anger go for a moment. The only things registering were the sunlight through the trees, the wind stretching by, music all around me, and a kindred spirit in the driver's seat. Ryan is a good guy because he expects nothing of you but to remain alive, and he'll listen to all the bullshit, and just kinda be there for you. I looked over at him a few times, and realized that I had slept with him, more than once, and kind of got a mental shock from it. I'm so used to mentally tagging the guys I've been with that I've never quite gotten used to the idea that Ryan, in my head, could never be labeled. The Ryan I hung out with yesterday was the same guy I met at the open mic, what seems like ages ago but was really months. I can't convince myself that he really is an ex. To me, he's just a guy, a friend, a kindred spirit. Anything that happened was some weird figment of my imagination, because something's just not clicking in the reality and remembering sector of my brain. We walked back into the woods in Holmdel park, sat down on a dead tree, and talked. Time wandered off to birdwatch somewhere, and all of a sudden we were just two spirits of the forest, older then the trees, talking about the way of things - of love and life. Unhappiness was with us both, and, although we couldn't change it, at least we have a shared unhappiness. It's like billy joel said....sharing a drink they call lonliness, but at least they're not drinking alone.

In the end, I came back to Joey's that night and held him, and told him it was alright. The rythym fell into place again, and I just sort of quietly consigned myself to it. This is what I wanted, isn't it? My security? My stability? Here I have it, and yet I still find myself staring at the stars and wanting to fly away. Why can't I just be happy?

The heart of a good man is the rarest and most priceless thing in life - it is bested only by a restless one.

~Fox
:: Fox 10/17/2003 09:47:00 AM [Say what?] ::
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