:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Tuesday, October 14, 2003 ::

Depression is sliding over my landscape like a gathering storm.

The night I broke down over Joey's, he told me I had to give something up or I was going to lose it entirely, that I was working myself too hard. I thought maybe he could be wrong, that I just had to try harder. I realize now that I should have listened. I'm hovering at the precipice of a very deep gulley, and every waking moment threatens to shove me over the edge. I'm tired all the time, snippy and irritable, and constantly nauseous. I really just want to curl up and cry.

I skipped MicroEcon last thursday because I was having allergic reactions to the zinc, and then I had to skip intro to biz near the end because I was just too sick to go. I skipped Advertising yesterday because I could barely make it through work (we didn't have a driver, deli, or the other counter girl...I ended up doing all three and staying til 4 besides) and then I skipped Brit Lit because, well, I just couldn't stomach the thought of class. Today, I HAVE to cover Alicia's shift because there's literally no one else who can cover days, which I'm kind of ticked about. This means I have to miss my English Club meeting. I suppose it's just as well, don't want to deal with Laura's bullshit.

My life is slowly losing it's interest in my activities. Mom, Joey, Vince and Andre's support are all that's getting me through sometimes, I think. I feel like a failure in everything, and that the world turns to water in my hands if I try to grasp and change it. I've had to admit to myself that Belle, the epitome of everything I try not to become, is better then me - at forensics, at social skills, and at looks. That alone hurts. I feel like an old relic...the old soldier telling war stories no one wants to hear. I have a good heart, and a sharp mind, and yet I am bested by a creature whose main concern in life appears to be leading men on and reapplying lipstick every few minutes. Where is my incentive to be a good person - to hold back the cold and calculating nature that encroaches on my consience? This is my reward? Obscurity?

~Fox
:: Fox 10/14/2003 09:19:00 AM [Say what?] ::
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