:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Monday, September 22, 2003 ::

I'm noticing a trend...I blog in retrospect now. Interesting.

Saturday, Mom and I went to a bunch of yardsales and we collected a lot of really neat and totally random stuff...I got some candleholders, crystal earrings, old children's books, and an antique globe that looks AWESOME on my bookshelf, among other things. I had a great time with her, and I'm really happy we got the chance to go out and spend some time together. It gets harder as the school year picks up, and she has to work more. Saturday night, Joey came by and picked me up, and we went to the New Brunswick Lowes to see Underworld. It was a good movie, but done poorly. It was Hollywood's attempt to give goths their entitled fix before Revolutions comes out. It stirred in me, however, very powerful and long-settled emotions that I thought I'd left behind me.

I am a goth. A fringe goth, a weekend goth, whichever one would like to brand me as, that is what I am. I might not be immersed in the culture 24-7, but when I am inside it, I am inside it. I know and understand and it is my mental sanctuary. Others see us as pretentious, as playing a role for attention, as not really being what we seem, unable to handle the actual image we portray. They are wrong - at least by me. That life, that culture...that is who I am. I have 'gone straight', as it were...doing my best to leave behind the midnight debaucheries, drugless and sexless though they were, they were indeed debaucheries. I am caught between Fox and who I 'really am', yet again - it seems like an eternal struggle. Do I answer to the child, to my birth name - to she who would love a man like Joe, with his cape may-like sensibilities and loyal, doting nature? Or do I answer to who I have become, this Fox, my name here at school and among my own culture...she who would love the passionate and unpredictible nature of men like her Vincent?

Seemingly in answer, or to give me something else to ponder, both Vincent and Ramirez resurfaced simultaneously late last night. For those of you who have seen Underworld, Ramirez is Victor and I am Selene. This is no comparison or wishful thinking, it is the absolute truth. He is my father and lord, and my only voice of reason in a very harsh time. I am loyal to him as his chosen daughter in the court we formerly walked among in the dead of nights. Again, I will stress that this happened, I am not spinning tales....when I left home, I left home for what can only be described as a cult, one that I will detail one day. Leave it that Ramirez may have saved my life.

Vincent, I have detailed many times here. I believe sometimes that 'star-crossed' was invented for our purposes. However, each day it becomes clearer to me that he is so vitally important to my life, so steadfast an emotional connection (whatever that emotion may be) that to leave him behind in my wake would be to leave myself. I love him. Be it as a brother, a friend, an Alpha, a soulmate....I do not know. I just know that I do, and even in the wake of tears and vicious anger to either side, it never wavered. We always return, like the sun rises and sets. I wonder sometimes if we keep the entire universe in balance. It wouldn't surprise me in the least.

Forgive my foray into my own mind. I do this often, I believe, in some misguided effort to prove myself at least partially sane...it is when doubt is removed that disaster looms near - I write my doubts here in exhaustive detail to remind myself that idyllic conditions were not always so, and that those existing have a limited lifetime. A breed of "And this too shall pass", if you will.

Rather then change the tone from light to dark to light again, I will end this missive here and post another about my Sunday in New York City.


~Fox


:: Fox 9/22/2003 05:41:00 PM [Say what?] ::
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