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:: Tuesday, September 30, 2003 ::

I'm fucking tired.

My pace is too fast....I've undertaken way too many things, and for the first time in my life, I don't feel like I'm going to spring back.

Monday, I have work 10:30-1, then school, 1:30-8:20.
Tuesday, I have clubs 11:30-1:15 (and work this week 4-8)
Wednesday, I have work 10:30-4
Thursday, I have class 8:30am-8:40pm
Friday, I have work 10:30-4
Saturday, I have work 5-11
Sunday is my only day completely off.

Add in there 15 credits worth of classwork (microecon, Advertising, Intro to biz, Occult lit, and Brit Lit 1), seeing Joe every night, and errands that desperately need to get done, like getting my military id renewed, going to the doctors, going to the dentist, getting my car inspected, getting my oil changed, prepping for a forensics tourney every other weekend from here til next year, getting my damn room and/or car cleaned, and trying to actually see my mom for more than five minutes every two days, and I'm pretty much a walking corpse.

I'm starting to realize what my mom means by tired. Certain things are keeping me able to do this day after day, seeing Joe every night is my wind-down...going over to his place means I can relax for a little while. I was so tired I fell asleep at 10 last night, we both woke up, he asked if I wanted to stay, so I did, and he slept in his dad's bed again, cause his dad always sleeps on the couch. It's kind of a routine....I usually sleep over his place on a sunday or a monday night...it's a nice break from driving home tired as hell at midnight. He's talking about maybe going to Vermont this winter...it'd be nice, and I might be able to see family.

Been talking a bit with Vince here and there...I don't really know what to do. I still have feelings for him, and I feel guilty because I have a boyfriend now, and that means I'm sort of betraying the unsaid rules. I'd be heartbroken if the situation were reversed on either side, so I can't in good faith shrug it off. I wish I could divide myself. Neither guy is my fall guy, by any means - it's not like I'm keeping Vince around for insurance or Joe for stability. I just genuinely like both of them. I've told joe in the past about Vince and I and the state of affairs, so it isn't like I'm hiding anything. Vince is equally clear that Joe is my boyfriend and has been awhile. I'm not interested in leaving Joe...he's been very good to me and I'm hoping this will be something lasting. But how do you tell your heart what is right and sane through the processes of your mind? Bright fire burns out swiftly, and in Vince, I find my phoenix roots haunting me yet again - he is my cleansing pyre, but I grow too old for the serial heartbreaks of youth. How many times will he and I hurt each other? We sit like maat, judging one another with a dagger in one hand and our hearts in the other....it is a fiercely dangerous and beautiful cycle of life, and feels as natural as the winter overtaking the autumn...even when we are in pain. So what do I make of this? Can love lie passive?

~Fox

:: Fox 9/30/2003 10:22:00 AM [Say what?] ::
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