:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Saturday, August 30, 2003 ::

I have done little else in my life but stumble through it.

Every success I have had, it is because something takes over, and I sit quietly and watch. Those successes have often been won at high cost, and after I am myself again, I am left to clean up the shards of whatever I destroyed in pursuit. And the worst of it is, I have never understood. I have never known.

I am a child inside, driven only by base needs and desires. They are, perhaps, the purest representations of themselves that ever existed as a result, but unformed and ignorant of the subtleties of society. Love is a simple, solid, unmarked sphere whose presence I know nothing of but to offer, and offer again. I watch myself play tennis with my heart, and start to understand why it's called 'love'....no one wins. And it is with a weary and heavier heart I resume the game each time.

And it all seems so pointless. I read countless books, watch countless shows, listen to countless people that tell me to live for myself, that I don't need another person to be a whole one myself, and by god I listen, and by god I try. I get in my little place where I'm a confident career woman, going to school, living for myself. And then the night comes, and I curl up against the darkness, and try and swallow the lump in my throat that never really goes away. Why should I pretend? I can be glib, go on casual dates, laugh shallowly and pretend it's all real and solid...but I know it's not. I need love where someone takes what I hand them and doesn't throw it back at me. Why is needing that such an unspeakable crime?

I have the blood of a Demon and the blood of a Bodhisattva flowing through me. One forces me to see the darkness of the human soul, to take it and exploit it and use it, because they would do the same to me in a heartbeat...and the other forces me to see the good in the human soul and try until my final breath to heal every wound the world is burdened with. I am too divided...those that have seen my demon do not believe I am capable of good...and those that have seen my Bodhisattva do not believe I can do harm. No matter how I warn, no matter what I say...nothing ever makes a difference. They either think I'm crazy or bipolar, and whichever of the two it is, they never want to be around me again.

In the center of it all is the simple human girl I was born as, before the world decided to wage the eternal battle in the middle of my mind. All I want is peace.

~Fox

:: Fox 8/30/2003 02:00:00 PM [Say what?] ::
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