:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Saturday, April 19, 2003 ::

Well, busy past coupla days.

Wednesday night, we (meaning Joe from the english club, me, and the english club) had the open mic poetry. I had a good time, read my war piece and some BDSM pieces. Messed up a little on the BDSM pieces, but oh well. It was standing room only by the end. I had a table with a nice couple of girls (this was all at the internet cafe) and they sang 'bad' by michael jackson, and it was really good. :) An old friend I used to padded-weapons fight with, Mike, big-ass strong dude who's actually a vegetarian, was there and he was a human boombox...great stuff.

About 3/4s of the way through though, I freaked out. I got this sudden overwhelming feeling that my poetry sucked ass and that I had no friends (I had come alone). I grabbed my stuff and ran out, and over to the oceanfront park in the very cold darkness, and when I was close enough that the ocean drowned me out, I burst into tears. Really bad bout of crying...the kind that makes you sick and gives you a headache..where you end up feeling dry but your nose is completely stuffed. I guess somehow that being back in Red Bank brought up memories of happier times, even as recently as last summer when I went to the Riverfest with Jon and Aunt Sharon, and I feel like my life is so much worse now, that I've accomplished nothing. I sat down on a bench beside the water and just hugged my knees and sobbed for awhile...I can't remember feeling that awful since the night Marco slammed my face into a door and almost broke my nose. Out of nowhere, my depression decided to hit rock-bottom.

Now, I've been a little down since November, of course. Getting kicked out on the streets in Baltimore and having what you thought to be an engagment ripped from you practically overnight will do that to you. But I've managed. I got back on my feet, I'm doing really well in school, and, aside from the occasional spat with mom, life's been allright. My car's an obstacle, sure, but hopefully it'll be allright mid-to-end of summer. Somehow, though, my life seemed to dissolve to dust in the middle of the open-mic, very rapidly. I haven't really been okay since. I cried on mom today, and, in her usual understanding self, she told me what a pain in the ass I was and how miserable I was making her and I was getting snot on her shirt and why didn't I take medication because that would make it all go away. Trust a pill-dependant to crush her offspring's hope of living without drugs. I was doing fine, even after Jon...whatever this is, it's war and season related. My soul's depressed because of the snow and the war. Once spring truly hits and the war is mostly over, things will be back to normal.

I'm also fairly lonely. Being single is getting more brutal by the day. I never really figured out what the deal was with Henry, and why I was hung up on him for so long. I imagine it's just because he was inaccessible and I'm a stubborn person. I'm trying to put it aside and move on. I have a few likely canidates.

Tonight was a very strange night, but I'm tired. More will be written tomorrow.

~Fox



:: Fox 4/19/2003 02:36:00 AM [Say what?] ::
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