:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Thursday, April 03, 2003 ::

It's been awhile.

Henry was over yesterday. Mom and I had a nice breakfast at the diner, and then picked him up at the train station. He came to class with me (he wanted to see the campus) and afterwards we ran through the woods and jumped over trees for a good hour, resulting in me losing my cell phone and panicking for awhile (he found it, thank god) and then we came back home. We watched "The Mexican" (Good movie) and he went home early evening. Apparently, we can be civil.

I've been unhappy and tense lately, and it is with a growing feeling of surreal-ness that I realize it's due to the war.

I am a fairly unshakable person in all matters but love. I'm used to being jaded and blase. I felt bad the people on 9/11 passed on, I made flags and I stood out on street corners with my signs of encouragement..even going so far as to dress up as the statue of liberty. It felt nice to be a part of a nationwide movement. However, though I was horrified that it happened, I was horrified in the sense I might be if someone told me they fed alkaseltzer to seagulls when they were younger. It was a stupid and senseless waste of life, but it didn't impact my entire life...I lost no sleep. My only concentration was on making those around me feel allright again.

Now, when I go to bed, I have nightmares. Vivid terrible images of war and death and destruction. Terrorists killing my mom and my dad right in front of me, moments before I died. And this is every single night, now. I wake up more tired than when I went to bed, and the nights feel huge and empty and alone. The circles under my eyes are dark, my whole posture has slumped, and I have headaches and breathing problems. I feel like the war is killing me, that it is going on inside my head and each small shot is echoed a thousandfold.

I'm so terribly scared. Of what, I don't know. But I curl up in bed and hug my pillows and try and blink back the tears of absolute terror of the unknown out there.

This isn't me..this isn't who I am.

I am not supposed to be afraid.

I am terrified.

~Fox

Penny for your thoughts?


:: Fox 4/03/2003 09:42:00 PM [Say what?] ::
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