:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Friday, March 14, 2003 ::

Well, the past few days have been odd.

Wednesday, after school, I went to go see Henry for the first time. I went back thursday night.

One of the most interesting pasts of everything was when I got off the train and henry jumped over a bench and gave me a hug, then escorted me to the car and opened the door for me. We got pulled over by two cops about half a minute later - they evidently thought I was a prostitute. Interesting way to start off a date, I guess.

Well, Henry's nice, but, as always, there's a key piece of information that he left out when we were on the phone for six hours the other night - namely, he's interested in this other girl, someone in his Roleplaying group.

I'm frustrated because, while I don't know what he and that girl share or anything like that, it sounds as if it was only a day's worth of chemistry, and she was flirting with someone else at the time as well. I mean, he and I *talked*. You can read my entry a few log-ins ago and see how I described it. I also felt that we hit it off really well in person, too. And yet he's willing to alienate someone who's obviously prepared to date him and completely destroy the potential for good will by making me the "fall back girl" - which I am, regardless of what he may say. I'm no idiot. Still healing from emotional wounds, I can deal with - I was there myself. But, as I said to him, I am never going to compete another day of my god damned life. I'm sick of laying up awake at night while my boys are off gallivanting with girls that I have to constantly compete with. No more of that shit. I let my boys know that they're #1 in my life, and I'm not settling for anyone that can't return that as diligently as I give it.

That's just generalizations - most of my anger doesn't really have anything to do with Henry - he just sparks a pile of kindling that I've been trying to stamp out for months now; namely, how men treat me. I like to think I'm not uber demanding or a horrible person - I care very deeply and will do anything to help people I care about....but it seems like I never get that back....all I get is guilt-tripped if I bring it up, and frankly, I'm sick to death of it. I'm sick to death of the sudden "serious" tones just when I get to feeling comfortable with a person, and the god damned speech about how I'm such a nice person and I deserve the best and yada yada yada you were fun but frankly you were just keeping my place until so-and-so came around and have fun in your next doomed relationship I'm going to go fuck my friend now that I told you I never would. That speech. And the next person to give it to me better hope I'm unarmed that day, because I can only take so much.

Sometimes, when you look to the sky for answers, the big dipper just kind of looks like a giant question mark.

~Fox
:: Fox 3/14/2003 12:06:00 PM [Say what?] ::
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