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:: Saturday, March 08, 2003 ::

So, last night was a strange exercise in futility.

Dre and I went to Justin's show, and ended up sort of missing it because we didn't want to open the door mid-play and disturb everyone.

Justin himself is indeed a beautiful creature, and lit up the stage and my eyes. Unfortunately, there was a definate one-way chemistry going on, so that's kind of sad. I wrote him an email when I got home, asking him if he was interested and all. He read it and no response, so I guess there's my answer. Maybe I'll get one of those cloying "You're a nice girl, but..." letters. Those are always good for utterly crushing one's self-esteem. Joy.

And while I'm at the play afterwards admiring him, Dave and Laura call, they're on campus. So they come by. In a very futile exercise, I tried to fairly divide my attentions among Dave, Laura, Andre and Justin, and I believe failed with all four. I don't know. Dave and Laura, despite the snips that Laura and I have, always tried to treat me fairly. I didn't feel right trying to pick up someone right in front of them, no matter what they say I'm allowed to do.

I do want to have a relationship of my own...my fondest wish is for another long term relationship - this time without the god-damned "she's like a sister to me" female "best friend" ending up stealing him in the end. I don't know if I'll ever get that. People on the personals have issues, too. I've just met my third guy in a week who "doesn't know" if he's single or not. I can respect that, I've been there, but if it's something serious, you should probably take the ad down - especially given some of these sites are pay sites. Unless they're just saying it to get rid of me, which I'm not willing to believe - I'm very polite and direct in my emails.

Well, anyway, yeah. Financial stuff is grating my nerves lately. Dad gave me my tuition payment for february early this month. I've been busy, so I haven't paid it yet, but it's no big deal. They charge you a one-time $10 fee whether you're 1 day late or 3 weeks. I was planning on paying it monday, before Brit Lit - I have to go in earlier anyway for the Hawaii info session (there's a 2 week class in Hawaii this August I want to go to). So I talk to Dad last night, and explain to him about the insurance and how I need $951 up front because I've never had insurance before. He thinks (because I told him so he wouldn't bitch at me) that I paid my tuition with my credit card, and was going to use the money that he gave me to pay my credit card off. So now he says he's in a financial bind because my aunt Debbie came down to New Orleans and he had to entertain her. Mind you, this was also his reasoning for not being able to give me my tuition money on time, forcing me to "charge it to my card".

Again, I will reiterate that, while my parents don't legally "owe me" anything (except for my mom, who still owes me like 3 grand) there was an agreement had that my mom would house me and my dad would take care of college. Right now I'm going to a community college and I'm on a payment plan, for christ sakes. What I spend for 14 credits a person could spend for ONE CLASS at a "real" college. That's why I'm so upset. My dad pushed me and pushed me to get good grades in school, and now for what? What if I had done really well, but not well enough for a scholarship? What if I had been accepted to UPenn or NYU? It's like his lack of preparation for my schooling reflects the faith he "supposedly" had in me. It's a good thing I did poorly, I guess. No one seems to have thought I could have done any better.

I'm just upset at life, and how I can't seem to get anything connected properly. I know whatever choices I made were mine to make, but my hand was forced in a lot of cases, and there wasn't much I could do. Both times I moved out, I moved out partly because I loved, but mostly because I wasn't welcome in my own house anymore. Even the love had a lot to do with it. When your parent and best friend seems to side with a stranger she's known less than an eighth of the time you've spent together, you go looking for affection elsewhere. When I lived at Marco's, there was a mother who loved me and would trip over herself to help me out when I needed it. She listened to me and, while she was a little blinded by intense (misplaced, if you ask me) admiration for her son, she saw me as a separate entity from him, and treated me with respect, listening to what I said. Marco's grandmother would stop the world if I caught so much as a sniffle, and her joy in life was making chicken soup and bringing asprin to me if that happened. I'd never had that, and as fucked up as that family might have been towards the end, I'll never forget or take for granted the kindness they showed to a near stranger.

Jon and his friends treated me like an equal, even when my eyes glassed over in the midst of Physics discussions. They would put it in simple terms for me and explain what they were arguing about. I'd reply in simple terms and they'd translate it back into physics for the other people. They ate my cooking, even when it was bad, and they were always there to help me if I needed it, except at the end - and even then, in their own misplaced ways, they tried. I just think they weren't prepared for someone as serious and stately as Jon producing such a grief-stricken anguished being, as I was at the bitter end.

Here, I am treated as a child and not taken seriously. My mom laughs at me when I try and attempt something I wouldn't normally, and while it sounds playful, there is a hard and mocking edge to everything she naysays me on, and sometimes it really hurts.

Ah, here we are. Email from Justin saying he has "very strong feelings" for someone else. Well, I did indeed get the cloying "you're a nice girl, but..." business. I expected it. ::sighs:: Oh well. I guess there's always going to be a Paige or a Shannon or an Amanda in the middle of what I'm reaching for. I guess I'll attempt to convince myself I'm happy that nice people get something nice. It'll be a lie, but I'll attempt it.

Wow, life sucks.

~Fox
Penny for your thoughts?

:: Fox 3/08/2003 12:54:00 PM [Say what?] ::
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