:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Sunday, March 30, 2003 ::

So, I'm home.

It was a strange weekend....being in south Jersey again somehow got me back in touch with my roots, with who I used to be before Don came into my life and dragged me and mom to Keyport to suffer with him.

I also learned what it is to be a little free, and to not worry about how people saw me. I went to Jay's Akido class with him and there was a boy there, I'd say about 4 or 5 years old, who was giving his mother no end of trouble. So I sat down next to him, upended my purse, and let him draw all over ( and I stress the all over part) my face with the makeup I had dumped out. I had greens and golds and browns and reds in a giant harlequin supernova with epilepsy on my face. Quincy did quite a number on me, and, two days later, I'm still trying to scrub all of it off. But it was nice to just grin and let chaos, in a very minor form, happen, despite the bemused and questioning stares of the other people watching.

Jay's college, Rowan, is a very nice school with decent seeming facilities, but the dorms leave a bit to be desired. Maybe it's just cause I was staying in one with five guys who didn't own a vaccum. That was kind of icky to the neat female somewhere inside me.

Strangely enough, I fixed one part of me while the other remained in stasis and perhaps got a little worse. I feel powerful again, like a strong and capable woman, but there's a curious and mournful sense of emptiness that resonates, even despite my recovery elsewhere. Two of Jay's roommates had girlfriends, and they would call their boys while I watched TV in the living room. I listened to the way (no, not evesdropping, the phone was about a foot from the couch..) they spoke to their girls, and I felt a soft twinge of regret that I didn't have that. No one tells me they miss me, or they love me. Even when I was with Jon, and Marco, it was never said unbidden. It was always a parroted answer to something I said first. Do men truly love? Do they feel the way I do? Is it possible that I will find a man someday who will say to me unprompted that he loves me with all his heart? Even despite seeing it happen in front of my face, I still doubt it could happen to me. The closest I ever came was Roger, who would make frustrated admonishments that we should have had things easier, in the tone of a man trying to bail out the ocean. His declarations would be heavily tinged with futility, as one admitting their feelings when it is far too late to act on them. They never seemed real, more like a sotto voce murmur in a play that never quite made it to production.

I realize that I was right, about Jay. I don't love him, and I never could. We're very different people...I had fun with him, but I can't engage in entertainment that furthers my own emotional injuries. I felt far away this weekend, as someone watching her own life through a dusty and scratched window. I can't do this again, and I need to settle and try and get along with my own life. My schoolwork is starting to fall behind, and I have no idea what I'm going to do about my bills for school. I owe them 1,000 - and I have for two months now. I just haven't had it, and dad hasn't furnished it to me. I'm going to end up putting it on my credit card after all.

I can't do this anymore. After this semester, I'm going to leave school for good. I mean, only an idiot would be blind to the fact that fate is screaming at me not to pursue my education. Four colleges in 2 years? Only 8 (if that) finished credits among 48 attempted? My father has made it painfully obvious that he isn't dependable when it comes to my educational bills, and makes me feel like every bit of money he gives me I should be begging and scraping for. I don't deserve this, not after I've been promised all my life this would be taken care of. I was pushed and pushed until the stars were in my eyes, and I took the wrong path because I felt pressured heavily. Every time I tried to take my fate into my own hands, the steady things I had counted on turned into variables and completely decimated my plans. So no more. Let it never be said that Fox Mackenzie is a fool. I know when to quit.

~Fox
:: Fox 3/30/2003 04:33:00 PM [Say what?] ::
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