:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Thursday, February 27, 2003 ::

Yeah, so..

David came over monday night and again last night...just for a few hours each time. It's nice to have someone tangible nearby.

I'm getting that kind of sick feeling you get when you've had a grip on life and you feel it start to slip a little. After As on tests consistently, I got a 77 on my communications test the other day and it's bothering me way more than it should. It's kind of robbed me of sleep a few nights, and if David hadn't come over and hung out with me to the point of my own exhaustion yesterday (I fall asleep better when there's someone nearby) I don't think I would have slept at all.

Also, I was paying my bills, or trying to this morning, and I found out that my cell bill was two months behind, gap wants my blood, and Jon's internet service continued to take from my credit card even after we broke up, and there's $100 bucks on a card that is supposed to be 10 dollars short of clear. I wrote him a polite email asking him to remedy that (I tried to call but his cell #'s been changed, so it's probably a good thing anyway...) and asked lyric in an IM to pass along the message in case he (Jon) deletes my email, which I wouldn't put past him - he kind of backed out of our whole relationship in a less-than-noble fashion. I might not have been the picture of dignity either, but at least I didn't fuck up his life in the process.

Anyway. I have to try and keep my heart rate down because I'm tweaking pretty bad right now. I'm so dissapointed in myself...I've downed 3 Red Bull equivelents today, two before I even had food. My pulse is pretty doubled right now and I'm having trouble keeping my fingers straight on the keys. My old friend paranoia is back, too, and with these loud rap-oriented conversations going on in what should be a quiet library are doing nothing to improve my spazzing. I'm trying to take deep breaths, but it feels like I'm going to be violently ill. You know, I didn't know it was possible to have a WPM typing speed as fast as mine is at the moment, typos aside. I guess there are a few advantages to tweaking, if you ignore the whole asthma-high BP thing. Jesus, I gotta quit this shit before it kills me. At least I've been two days without my pills now. I'm such a fucking idiot for taking them again in the first place...now the pull is HUGE to take them again. I don't know anymore. I just want to lose some weight and stop wandering through life in a haze. I'm down to just about 190 now...another two weeks and I should be at 180. And with this constant push to physicality that tweaking is doing to me, I'm getting stronger too.....the only question is, is it worth the risks?

I think I'm going to re-post my essay on the red bull-Stacker equivelency, because I think it's kind of relevant. I might even try and submit it anonymously to a few papers....I've been writing a lot more lately and I think I'd like to try and do some opinon pieces for a paper like the asbury park press...I think, if I cut out the really really opinon driven comments, they would make very nice submissions.

Right now, It's 11:40...and I think there's a forensics meeting. I think I can start going to some of the meets now because I'm not living with Dave and Laura most of the week now...I think the coach is going to be overjoyed. He was really pulling for me to do a meet or two...not sure if I missed the deadlines for any of them, but I'm certainly going to check.

Hmmm...not much else. I think I'm going to go walk around a bit to see if I can calm down a little.

Ciao.

~Fox
Penny for your thoughts?

:: Fox 2/27/2003 11:41:00 AM [Say what?] ::
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