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:: Tuesday, February 04, 2003 ::

Well, today was quiet, at best.

Mom's spoken to dad. I probably misunderstood him on a few points, but I've been really pissy lately. Not sure why. I think because I'm unsure about life in general. Guess we'll clear it up tonight. He's going to yell at me, I'm pretty sure.

I'm starting to become seriously concerned with my brain. I mean, before it was just memory loss that might be attributed to an absentminded or distracted person, but it's starting to impact my life. I walked in to composition class today, and for fifteen minutes was absolutely certain I was in the wrong place, despite checking my schedule several times. I had a extremely disoriented feeling all the way to class, like I had been heavily drugged or had just woken up from a very long sleep. I have an immense difficulty remembering people, and not just in the "oh what was your name again" sense. Certain rythyms and certainties in my life are all failing me, and while I still remember most of my life, it is impossible to consider it on the whole - as if my entire existence is lived in two day periods, and not very vivid ones at that. I feel as if my life is a drunken haze of half-remembered snippets...and bear in mind that I do not drink but socially (perhaps a hard cider once a month) and am completely clear of drugs, both perscription or otherwise. I've shrugged off help and doctors so long because I don't want to know what's wrong with me. It's only been getting worse as time goes on, and even though I know I should seek help, the very prospect terrifies me.

And so, until I can find my courage, I continue to post here. I refer to this, this weblog...this is my memory where I might not otherwise be able to have it.

Today I came to school at 8:15. I walked through the MAC building until 8:25, because I was utterly convinced my class was somewhere in it. Only after staring at my schedule and burning the letters for LAH into my brain did I find my composition class, which is taught by an instructor named Sandy Bubowski up on the third floor in 315. (her email address looks like sandybulb because it's sandybub so I think of her like desert tulips). She is very strict about being there on time. I share a class with a pagan man named Brian, (like brian sabo who was pagan), who seems very nice. Chris sits next to me(He is very christian, so his name is like christ). There is a deaf girl, Katja, (like the woman that lived above Marco's house) and she has a translator there with her, who I recognize and realize I am in the right class. We had an assignment that I wrote down in my book.

I went to the forensics meeting, but only after waiting outside the door for a half hour because the coach got stuck in traffic. There are only 5 people on the forensics team. Tina, Kate, and Shelly...I do not remember the others. They are going to Montreal over spring break, and Boston on valentine's weekend. I can't go on either because I am going to visit dad with David and maybe Laura on spring break, and I want to spend valentine's with them, too.

I had quiche for lunch, and read about the space shuttle in the paper.

Now I'm in the library and Chris (who is brimful of asha on the message board, and is in my head a pocket full of ashes, which is like ash wednesday, which is like christ) is coming to pick me up and we are going to hang out, so that will be fun and I am happy. It is far too easy to let your life be a stasis vaccum when you are in a relationship, especially a high-matinence one.

The quiche I had for lunch was actually pretty abyssmal. It had sausage and peppers in it.

I might write a poem about the darkscarypath(tm). It deserves a literary nod.

This is all.

~Fox
Penny for your thoughts?


:: Fox 2/04/2003 05:42:00 PM [Say what?] ::
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