:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Thursday, February 13, 2003 ::

So I'm writing now.

My poetry has taken a huge upswing lately...it seems like I'm writing almost every night and that I constantly have something to post to my website.

A part of me worries that I'm getting too cocky about my own works, which has been the downfall of many people much greater than me. I look over them to make sure I'm not repeating any one rhyme scheme ad nauseum or taxing a subject to death.

Granted, a large part of my body of work is depressing and usually themed on love, but hey...so's everything. In a rare moment of self-gratification, I will say that there are certain works I've completed recently that I am completely impressed by; namely "on Adam" "In the silence of the snow" and, though it's not recent, I've just now posted my Phoenix piece I wrote back when the breakup process with Jon began.

Also, I've had a bit of shake up in my life recently when I found out one of my matches on hotornot is, and I'm about 9/10ths sure, Marco. He has a labret piercing now and looks seriously stoned in the picture (and this wasn't my opinon, this was the opinon of two other friends of mine that knew him) but it sure looks like him. Apparently, he's into Nietzche now. Psh. Anyhow, I had written him before he changed his picture to something more recognizable, and then emailed him again after he changed it, asking if it was indeed him. I have to delete the match, because I'm honestly fearful of a lapse in judgement. The diplomat in me wants to email him a long letter and find out what exactly happened towards the end, but the common sense in me, and the voice of reason (which sounds suspiciously like Jow in this matter) tells me let it go and banish all thoughts of him again. Perhaps my only regret as to the latter is the fact that I'm still on very strong no-speaking terms with the first man I slept with. My virginity was this huge important thing to me, and now I don't even speak to the guy I lost it to. Does this happen to other girls? Probably, I'd think. I'm just going to delete the match before I do something stupid and try and be friends with him again. We were volatile at best, and I have to keep reminding myself of how back my life sucked those last few months.

Alternately, I got on a masochistic kick and IM'd lyric, and old mutual friend of mine and Jon's who saved my life when we broke up. I had previously agreed to cut off all contact with the Baltimore group, even to the ends of Tina, who was my co-worker and didn't have much to do with Jon at all. Why can't I ever let old wounds heal? Thankfully, he was afk and no specifics about the group were mentioned when he did reply, hours later when I was thankfully afk too. How is it that a little javascript popup can stop your heart and fill you with unspeakable dread? It isn't about Lyric...he was probably the best friend I ever had in a bad situation, outside of my mom. It's just the memories.

Dave, Laura and I are doing much better these days, so I'm thankful for that. I'm still passively looking for any potential guy canidates...it helps to have the option open, even if I don't use it. I'm still holding to my 3 month mark...the 1 month will be the 18th of this month. The two of them are so supportive of me, and it's wonderful to have friends that care for once. Dave and I play a lot of Diablo together, and Laura and I cuddle all the time now. She and I are both kind of uncertain about aspects of our lives, and it helps to have a sympathetic ear for one another. Dave's been quiet, but I think that's because he's been sick and trying to concentrate on his math grad work. We're talking about all of us moving in together maybe, if we're still doing well or are still good friends in the summer.

School's doing allright, though I do admit to having kind of missed two days of classes due to the snow and Dave's cold and my own emotional state. I promised myself no more missing class and getting this semester done correctly, for a change. I haven't been very up-to-date on all my classwork...I really have to change that. ::sighs:: It's just hard sometimes...all my classes kind of jumble together in my head. I'll manage, I just have to apply myself. And perhaps involve red bull.

It's another thing, too...taurine has become my new ephedrine. I feel this immense pull on my body to start taking stackers again, but I know how they speed up my heart, so I went for Red Bull instead. Now I'm on AMP, the mountain dew equivalent. I drank two this morning and I'm already feeling the boost. Oh, I got my sleep last night...I always get my eight hours uninterrupted. It isn't about faking alertness. It's just my head feels like it's trying to think through muddy water all the time. I had another time-loss at Dave and Laura's tuesday night. Looking back on it, it seems to be triggered by intense emotional distress, and it probably started when my memory problems collided with marco and I breaking up in my first mental breakdown two years or so ago. I lost several days back then...these times are minor and are only a few minutes I believe, but it's still very scary. I really should get to the base.

Hm..that's essentially all for now. I have math in an hour and a half. I'm going to surf the net for awhile. Ciao!

~Fox Mackenzie
Penny for your thoughts?




:: Fox 2/13/2003 12:04:00 PM [Say what?] ::
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