:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Saturday, February 22, 2003 ::

I went and got a tarot reading today.

I wonder if I'm that unconvincing...if my readings are filled with those sorts of vague platitudes and "emotionally-correct" reassurances. And, you know, I'm fine with other religions so long as they let me and my way of life alone, but should you really be reading tarot cards with a cross around your neck? Maybe it's just me, but I can't agree with that kind of hypocrisy. You can have the nicest archangel tarot card box that mass-production can make...it still stands, at least with me, that that's completely against everything that divination is about. We were never supposed to be mainstream and mainstream was never supposed to belong with us. I will admit to a quiet relief that we are accepted enough that burning/stoning/drowning is over with, but people like Silver Ravenwolf dishearten me. Our secrets were never made to be divided into chapters and shoved into glossy covers with politically correct illustrations. It's why I'm not wiccan, and I am pagan. There's a difference. I understand our roots, and that we came from mystery and awe, and should be returning to it.

Today has been a quiet and dark day...something hopeful in my heart got washed away with the snow melting, and now I look at my life in a quiet and sterile peace. It feels like everything is wrong, and that my own gypsy tendencies have lost their glitter, and left me lost and somewhat bereft of stability. All this time, I looked down on people that lived their lives from one vague possibility to the next, and now, scrutinizing my own pathways, I find far too much in common. I suppose I'm going to pour myself into school now...if I can manage to pull above a 3.7, I'll be happy.

I lost a battle with myself today, one that has been going on since early on in my days with the vampire group where I met Marco. Ephedrine is in my system again after nearly two years clean. I knew I was drifting towards it, unfortunately, having drank nearly 10 red bull or red bull lookalikes in the past week and a half alone. It's a very slight jump from taurine to ephedrine. It had always been a pull on me to start taking stackers again, despite how much I knew they hurt. This time, I'm going to try and take only my recommended dosage and make sure to monitor any bad effects...I don't want to collapse again. I'm sitting here, in a silent sort of dread, feeling my old nemesis work through the food I've eaten and tap at my heart again. I wish I had been stronger, but we all have our vices.

I think I need to play some games on the internet. I haven't really done that lately.

~Fox
Penny for your thoughts?

:: Fox 2/22/2003 05:49:00 PM [Say what?] ::
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