:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Monday, February 10, 2003 ::

Friday, David, Laura and I mostly chilled at home and split our time between cleaning, Diablo, and dozing in bed.

Laura and I were a bit frizzed at each other this weekend...she has this huge rivalry thing going on with David's mother, who I happen to be fond of and consider harmless, more or less. When asked my opinon, I told Laura I thought maybe she was mistaken about a few things regarding Dave's mom, and speech between the two of us was terse for the next day and a half. I'm not always going to take her side just because she's my girlfriend - but it's like you can't get mad at the girl. She either dissolves into tears or makes you feel like topsoil for your own opinon. I'm kind of tired, after trying to desperately save two relationships, of walking on eggshells. Which isn't to say I'm some cold-hearted bitch, either. I genuinely care about her, but she frustrates me to no end by her reactions to things.

David and I usually get along pretty well, but he's had his head in the comp most of the weekend after discovering the concept of mules in Diablo. I'm glad he can take a break and relax the way Laura seems incapable of. He seemed to have a fairly nice weekend. But I was up with him last night giving him diablo tips, and we were talking, and I asked if he wanted another girlfriend...sometimes I need to reassure myself of my place in the world - delusions of grandeur can bring down anyone. He said no, that he didn't want another girlfriend, but he might want to sleep with other people later on.

Whatever I am to those two, I do love them, as is my way. I just wanted to believe that carnality, the only thing I've shown any amorous talent for, was my forte. And yet, the same man who I exhausted yesterday is entertaining notions of taking other lovers. Am I naive? Should I have expected eventual boredom and dissatisfaction from the beginning? Or am I not good enough? I don't want to ask him any more questions....questions are what drove Marco and Jon away. I'm not about to push away someone else.

But, then again, I became upset fairly recently. Perhaps I should just take time to calm a little before my insecurities creep into my actions. David would never do anything to hurt me, and neither would Laura. I mean, heck, we're talking about getting an apartment together. Whatever problems we do have we can work out. I mean, being here with them, no matter what troubles we have, is the highlight of my week, and they always miss me.

Nevertheless, my personals ads remain up, however passively it may seem. I want to believe that I can find a love like Laura and David have. If it works out with them, I'll think about taking it down. Once we hit the 3 month mark, I plan on abandoning thoughts of search. I tend to think that's fair...I've heard that some "normal" dating relationships work much the same way. Odd as my current situation is, I'm still trying to be "normal" in relationships and stop moving in with guys before I'm sure about the spelling of their middle names. It's weird, everyone always thinks that I'm the one who insisted to my exes that we move in together, and it was always their idea...to Jon's end, I wasn't even sure and he had to convince me. Who knows. Love is strange.

~Fox "someday my prince will come" Mackenzie
Penny for your thoughts?


:: Fox 2/10/2003 09:22:00 AM [Say what?] ::
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