:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Saturday, January 18, 2003 ::

So, confusion.

So Andre came over so we could grab a bite to eat before me, Trish, he and Sharon were all supposed to go to the movies. We got McD's and headed over to Toys R' Us to pick up Trish (she's manager there) and couldn't find her, cause apparently she had gone to Wendy's.

But behind the electronics counter was this *beautiful* guy that made my stomach do flips. And I mean *flips*. It's been ridiculously long since I felt like that. Kinda threw me for a loop, because my heart's gotten pretty used to just sitting back and letting my mind handle this love business in an efficent and moral manner.

So, yeah. His name's Matt. I ended up buying a gameboy. I grilled Trish as to his singleness/personality and she slams the proverbial door in my face. He's her 'soulmate' and thus off-limits. She lusts him, apparently. Has for awhile, she says. Is eventually, maybe, one day soon, perhaps thinking of asking him to go with her to her cousin's wedding with her. The two of them have zip chemistry (and I'm not just saying that). At least that I saw. She barely spoke to him the whole time Dre and I were there.

That aside, I've been going through a strange set of emotions and self-berations tonight.

Obvious problem:
Mark. I mean, I don't know what the hell to make of it. I'm 20, still in demand amongst guys my age, and I'm hung up on a guy who tells me two days after we make out that he's 'not ready for a relationship'. I mean, it's understandable - I realize not everyone leaps headlong into dating after a breakup the way I do. But still. This last visit I felt like we got kinda close, and if he wants to see me on a regular basis, I think I want to do the same. But again, I'm not quite sure. Part of me is still kind of pride-wounded he turned me down the first time. Part of me wonders if we're even compatible. I mean, money's never an issue with me, but he's done food delivery for three years and doesn't seem to have many aspirations. I'm geared up and going to college to be an executive. Despite all this, I still like the guy. He makes me feel like I'm something, and that's worth something in the shitty history I've had with guys. On yet another hand, he doesn't make himself very available. He's not the kind of guy I can call and expect him to pick up the phone. If he's not working, he's at band practice, if not there, working on his car. He's nearly never online, doesn't have a cell phone, and doesn't really seem to like talking on the phone. I think the only reason I can deal with a once-every-other day word from him is because we're not serious. Mark's a good honest guy who does his best not to bullshit me. I want to do the same for him, but I'm not really sure what to say at this point. I don't want to ask him out again because I've already done that. I don't want to wait around and tie myself down forever if he doesn't plan on asking me out, either. ::sighs::

Subtle problems:

My line of thinking when it comes to Trish. My first reaction was anger that she would call "dibs" on this guy Matt. Now, mind you, I have a pretty good idea of the way she acts when she's dating guys, and how she treats them in general. In my mind, in my opinon, she goes through them a debutante does evening gowns. She has backups, but she's pretty damn obvious about the fact she does. I also think she has little to no regard as to the feelings of others, especially the men she dates. At first I was angry because it seemed a greedy act - she has men she's currently dating, men she's currently screwing, and several potentials on the side, and yet she has the nerve to declare this guy, which she's worked with for months now and hasn't so much as asked out for coffee as I understand it, off limits. It'd be one thing if she was shy, but I know she's not. I know the amount of men she goes out with, and how often she refreshes supply. She's perfectly capable of going up to this guy, declaring her intentions, and getting either accepted or rebuked. Yet she doesn't, and bars the chance for someone else to, calling on friendship to prevent me from taking what's 'rightfully hers'. Then I realize that I date a lot too, and while I don't believe in casual sex, I have locked lips with a number of guys since I got back from Baltimore. I have respect for them though, and I won't do anything to purposely hurt them. I honestly don't believe Trish cares a whit for any guy in her life, or his feelings, unless it directly benefits her. Did I go on a dating binge? Yes, I did. I'm a bit ashamed at the volume of dates I went on, probably around 10 or 12 since I got home in November, but I did nothing worthy of shame on said dates. For the most part, it was having a nice dinner, finding we were completely incompatible, and going our separate ways. Mark's really the only one that's stuck around more than one date or one week. That's why I feel guilty, being attracted to Matt. I feel like I'm being disloyal, even though I'm not dating Mark.

And then I step back from *that* and realize I'm being completely idiotic and over analytical about the whole situation. This Matt kid is an 18 year old stranger who works in a place my friend happens to. I know nothing about him, his life, his habits, or anything else that would deem him a nice or bad person. He could be a drug dealer, for all I know. It was a physical attraction, and for all I know this could all be caused by the full moon.

Mark also didn't return my call tonight, after the fact. That doesn't help matters much. I've reached a point where I can honestly say that I'm both painfully lonely and really, really sick of dating. I had expected to be in a semi-serious relationship by now, and there's no hope for that anywhere on the horizon.

You know how I spent valentine's day last year?

Sitting in starbucks, with a little handmade sign I crafted out of my empty chai cup that said "Valentine Wanted" and reading the same page in my novel about seven hundred times.

And it looks like it's going to become an annual tradition.

I am such a waste of flesh.

~Fox Mackenzie
Penny for your thoughts?

:: Fox 1/18/2003 03:25:00 AM [Say what?] ::
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