:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Monday, December 02, 2002 ::

Hey all!

Well, Adam and I are officially a thing. He just left this afternoon, he came down yesterday to spend some time with me...it's going to be a little hard finding time together with his schedule the way it is (erratic!) but we'll manage. I think I am going to go spend Christmas with him, after all. I'll have to talk it over with mom first to make sure she's cool and not planning anything.

Derrick brought the car around for me to look at. It's a nice car, but, I dunno. I really desperately want a car, and god knows I need one, but this one has a lot of dings, at least cosmetic ones, and 146 (almost 147) miles on it. That's faintly disturbing, to me. The engine also seems to vibrate a great deal...Derrick says it's because it's a 4-cylinder engine, but it still seems kinda weird to me. I wish I knew more about cars than I do. $1500 is a lot of money, especially for me! I need a job, but I want a car first. No sense taking a shit job close to home and being dreadfully unhappy. Hell, it isn't even like I could *find* one around here. The market is just awful.

To be honest, I'm not really sure where my life is headed, at the moment. Once I get a car, my outlook on the world as a whole is going to change. Very suddenly, doors that have been firmly closed my entire life are going to spring open, and I have to be prepared and knowledgable about every one of them. Part of me wants to move up north again, into Wayne, because my friends are there. Another part of me realizes that "friends" encompasses only Jow, Athy, and Adam, at least as immediate, trusted friends. Adam, I'm dating, so my outlook as far as he's concerned is pretty biased. I do know that whatever I do, the damn apartment is going to be in MY name this time. I'm getting really sick of things shifting without my control. I'm going to spend 2 years in the same place if it friggin kills me. Stupid as it may sound, a big part of me shies away hardcore from anyplace that's *remotely* near Rutherford. I mean, for all I know, he could be living far away...but I had my first nervous breakdown there, and lost days of my life. I almost went completely into relapse when Jow and Ath brought me to the new New Age shop that opened a block or two from his house. For the good of my sanity, I have to stay away from there. I think wayne would be reasonably safe, all things considered. Who knows. I have some time to consider it, in any case. If I do indeed get a car, I may look for a place with a 6-month renewable lease, and we can see how that goes. I have the whole of my life in front of me, no matter how old I may feel.

For the first time in a long time, I have a little hope.

~Fox Mackenzie


:: Fox 12/02/2002 07:38:00 PM [Say what?] ::
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