:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Saturday, December 07, 2002 ::

The goddess has kept me safe again.

I come to find that I always have a way out...that there is always hope even in the darkest of hours.

If I am greatful for nothing else in my life, I am greatful for kitsune luck, the blessing on my life.

I felt a bit of my old life, nearly, as Adam became my white knight last night. When he and Oliver emerged from his car and faced my barefoot in the snow and soul-stripped self, I looked through the years and saw Ax's hatchback again...with Marco in the passenger's seat, and, instead of the small suitcase I held in my hand last night, neatly packed, there was instead a mesh laundry bag with the vestments of my life shoved inside, tainted with indignation and fury. The first time, I lived on the couch of SOD and Marco's bed, alternately, for over a month. The first time, I lost the first college I ever went to, the second, and my innocence- in all senses. I lost my hope and my faith in the concept of love.

And I trusted again. That time, to Jon...the boy so grown up he seemed a man. I looked into his mind when I should have looked into his heart instead. Intelligence is no measure of maturity. There, I lost my third college, and my trust in men and female friends. I learned the hard way that yes, you can lie to someone's face....you can be convinced someone is your friend and is working to help you, when they only hold a knife to cut out your heart with. I will never forgive her, as long as I live. Not only for taking him who I thought I had loved from me, but for the lies and the falsehood, even at the bitter end when truth couldn't have made the wound any deeper than it was.

But yet again, I am reborn. Like the phoenix that my Roger gave me, even despite the pain I caused him. I have paid my penance three times for the injury I did to that good man...and in his soul's mercy, he has given me the power of renewal.

Here I sit, in my boyfriend's bed....he who rescued me for no other reasons than his own concern over me...he has seen that I am taken care of for the short time I needed to gain a clear head once more. He is unspeakably kind to me, who has known me such a short time. I am happy here, and wish to stay in this town...there is no shadow or hate that can follow me here. It is here that I will be truly reborn, somehow...and find the answers I have sought for the 20 years that feel more like millenia.

With the support and affection I have from and give to Adam, Jow, and Athena, I know this is where I will finally place my roots. Somehow, I will find a way to survive here.

-Fox Mackenzie
:: Fox 12/07/2002 11:45:00 AM [Say what?] ::
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