:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Wednesday, July 03, 2002 ::

Some days I feel the old days and the old feelings creeping up on me, and it throws me off-kilter for hours.

Some of you may not know, but in order to make more sense of myself, I divide things into three when I talk about myself. There are three obvious and outright aspects to my personality, I call them by name to isolate them.

There's Fox, my pen name and my all-scenes name, an aspect that is purely emotional, vindictive, traitorous and trecherous...she has many, many uses and I wouldn't be anything like I am without her. There's the flesh that preserves the heart, and then the armor that preserves the flesh...she protects me from anything getting too deep. She's the devil on my shoulder, so to speak. It's her suggestions that are chipping away at my patience in regards to certain matters of the moment. She is, on base levels, entirely correct...she has a way of letting things get out of hand, however.

There's the essential me, called by my birthname which won't be mentioned here, and that is all my essence of who I am. My morals, my rights and wrongs....basically the child part of me before adulthood corrupted it.She believes the best of all people, wants to help everyone, and doesn't deal well at all with pain and hurt. She is my heart.

And lastly, there's Aya. She is my spirit, the good of me, the mother to my essential me. She guards the impressionable essential me against the older and more bitter and vindictive tones of Fox. She is a very wise spirit, and capable of great good. The other two respect her, but Fox will do whatever she wants, and Essential me sees Aya as her mother.

Fox murmurs in my ears these days about the girl who essentially caused my nervous breakdown back in my old life. In the beginning of it all, I was happy, and living the idyllic life I am now...a little domestic unit, bonded by care and compassion and sex. Nature, however, abhors a vaccum, and when this girl was unhappy in her own relationship, she became a central part of my life with my partner to fill that void.

Sometimes, I fear, even without Fox's whisperings, that this will happen again. Though evil the likes of that woman of my old life hopefully doesn't exist on earth anywhere else, once doubt is instilled, it's very hard to leave behind. My own heart and heartbreak aside...what happened the night of my breakdown, and the events afterward, inflicted a wound on my pride that will never, ever be healed. I am Fox Mackenzie, beautiful, alluring, voracious lover of men and man, and no man has ever dealt me the blow that woman necessitated he deal me. I lost my spirit and soul and saw only an empty, gaunt shell in the mirror. The rest of my life I will be haunted by the image of the girl's smiling face as my prone and drooling form was bodily placed in a car to be taken to mental care. I have lost one battle in my life and I will never, ever lose one again, no matter what the cost.

Though the worries I have now are mere inklings, I want them to stay that way. I trust even my own paranoid doubting, to a point. Times are different. My love now is not my love then. That woman is gone from my life, and no matter what shadows I may see, she can never come back. But the twist in the pit of my stomach remains the same, especially now with experience to look at.

Perhaps it is all a folly. I am too happy with too much time to waste on worries. Once I start working in earnest, that should all change. I just hope the problems I have alleviate a bit and I stop seeing shadows. I have an alliance where I did not in my old life. And this, this is true love...the kind where he loves me back, wonder of wonders. ::sighs:: I'm decidedly seeing shadows.

~Fox Mackenzie


:: Fox 7/03/2002 05:02:00 PM [Say what?] ::
...