:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Tuesday, May 07, 2002 ::

Eep. Christ. Haven't exactly been staying current, have I?

Well, nothing huge and apocolyptic occuring, really. Sent mom pretty flowers for her birthday...she really liked em. :) She turned 45 (um...I mean...26...) May 2nd.

Hung out with Shannon and Chalmers the other day...we all had lunch at xando's, which also has a branch in NYC...I've eaten there before. They have this neat S'mores thingie on a pu-pu platter set up with the fire and all that cool stuff, so you can make em right at the table.

Jon and I went grocery shopping yesterday, picked up a whole *bunch* of stuff. Gonna start clipping coupons and scanning circulars like mom taught me. It feels so weird just shopping cold turkey. Ah well...least we joined the savings club, with those little tag thingies you put on your keychain. Those are cool. I wanna get the blockbuster ones, but I can't until we have a tv and a vcr, because it'd just be damned silly to get a blockbuster membership when we have neither.

I've decided to stay here until the 24th, because that's the day after Jon's graduation. It seems stupid to go back home, then turn around and come right back a week later. I just pushed back my driving appointments. I'm sure Dad would have a fit. He was in a real bitchy mood talking to me last night. His usual jekyll-hyde self. And he says *I* snap at nothing. Christ. I told him I was bringing Jon to the wedding (My cousin Kate's, July 27th in Vermont) and he started getting all pissy. Oh, I'm not paying for his room and blah blah blah and then he pitched a fit because I said we were driving up. It's a ten hour drive and Jon and I were going to take turns, most likely...and Dad flies off the handle because I said we'd take turns. Says it's stupid to rely on my driving. Not that he listened in the first place to me...I told him Jon could handle it by himself (by his own admission), but I'd most likely try driving a bit to take some of the strain off of him. But Dad doesn't care. I'm doing a lot of things that aren't his way lately. I still need his help, but rather than help, he almost always seems to seep back to trying to control the situation entirely or not at all.

Another bout of nightmares has swamped me the last four nights...images of rape and murder and betrayal have stolen restful sleep from me, and I've woken up in panic more than once. Jon always comforts me, bless him. It's difficult when I go through periods like this.

Shannon is one of the best listeners in the world, I've found. She's helped me put to rest a lot of trouble I've had with my soul lately. Even bringing to light that I'm a lot angrier about what happened with Dave #2 than I've been trying to convince myself. Just because you know, and maybe even partially trusted, someone doesn't give them a right to take free license with you. It was nearly half a year ago, and it was still buried in my subconsious. I guess I was trying to convince myself it didn't happen, that I'd imagined it. I was too smart for that sort of thing..I must have just been mistaken...but it wasn't the case.

In a rare moment of seriousness, let me address all my young female readers out there.

No man has any right to do something to you that you didn't want done. No person, for that matter. If something does happen, and you are even the slightest bit of the mind that you were physically used or taken advantage of, go straight to the authorities, don't take a shower (this may wash away important evidence) and have them take biological evidence from you. Even though this may seem like the last thing you'd want to do..whether you don't want to rat out your boyfriend, or you fear people will label you a liar or disrespect you, it is still something you have to do. You will regret it later if you don't. No person has the right to make you feel badly, in any way.

The same goes for abuse. A man who hits once *will* hit again. Make no mistake. If that disdain, that carelessness, that anger shows, it will come back. Get out of the situation while you are still physically able, or your life may be at stake the next time his temper gets the better of him.

Don't make the mistakes I did.

I just thank every deity I've ever worshipped that I have something good in my life now...someone who understands the person I am, doesn't try to supress or mold me into something of his devising, and who respects me, my beliefs, and my body as just that. Mine. It's only after enduring things that were..at least to me..a very dark set of events that will never be forgotten entirely, that I realize that love isn't about suffering. It's about itself. It's about eternal and everlasting friendship, and a genuine desire to enrich the life of the other.

Sorry to wax verbose, my readers. When thoughts weigh particularly heavily on me, writing helps me unburden my soul a bit.

Shannon, if you're reading this....thanks for listening. I owe you one.

~Fox "A quiet and meaningful look in retrospect" Mackenzie






:: Fox 5/07/2002 04:11:00 PM [Say what?] ::
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