:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Monday, April 15, 2002 ::

It's strange how life runs, isn't it?

Jow, my friend and I...we had a strange relationship. There are times I believe our fates are irrevocably intertwined. He was my saving grace during those months following Marco's betrayal. He came to be quite dear to me and I came to believe that we'd exist in our strange non-relationship-but-still-relationship state of being forever. And then I met Jon.

For those of you who know me, I felt a great deal of deja vu, for you may remember I went through much the same ordeal with Roger, when I met Marco. Sometimes the guilt, now from breaking the hearts of two men that were and are vital to my life, weighs terribly heavily.

When Jon came to stay with me, I was wonderfully happy..I never thought it would be possible that loving a man like him would result in anything but unrequieted love, and yet he called for me to come into his life...letting me step into it and wrap it around me. Jon is the reason that I spent so many nights praying...the reason why my altar is stained with tears. He is a gift from the graces of my faith and gods, and more precious to me than anything now.

But Jow...though I knew my destiny sat with Jon, I still ached for the trechery I'd shown to Jow. He had shown me nothing but affection, and here was his kitsune, running off in the night once she'd found her Puck. My heart was equally euphoric and saddened for the role I'd played in the lives of these two men. So I laid before the altar of Kuan yin each night, and I lay roses and offerings and candles at her altar...more than I ever have before..and prayed for Jow's salvation to come as my own did.

And it has.

Strangely enough, here is this friend he's talked to online forever, and she comes to visit very soon after my fate shifted to it's courses. And he loves her. I can certainly see that. In nearly the exact way Jon and I came to be. Kuan Yin listens to me, that blessed daughter of mercy. She knows when my heart truly feels for another being, and she'll watch over them if I ask her kindly. Now Jow can know love the same way I do.

In a way, I smile because, and some of you might find it conceited, or claim it was to happen anyway, but I do believe Kuan Yin and my genuine feelings of caring and regret for my actions caused this to come to be. One might also argue it is actually fairly even Karma...to have someone I cared about removed from my ranks of suitors as abruptly as I'd been removed from his. In any case, I feel balanced, and happy that he too has found his fate.

The kitsune in me sighs a bit...for it is a little less bright each time adoration wanes. In my youth, I entertained the eyes of many..and here, on the brink of twenty, I capture but one. I would argue that his eyes, dark and vast as the night sky over the ocean, are the eyes of everyone that has ever loved me my entire life, and shine with a soft light of their own when I glance at them. He makes me feel as I've always wished to...loved, and wanted. He is worth more than a thousand suitors to me, and my heart, after knowing his, will never love another man.

Forgive the introspective tilt today...I'm in a bit of an odd mood, and I really wanted to get those feelings in writing before I'd forgotten the wording I liked. I hope all my readers are doing well..

Last night Jon, Shannon, and a very nice girl named Melissa and I all went to this absolutely charming little dessert place over in little Italy that served the best desserts I'd had in awhile. Then we went back to Cresmont and chatted on the porch with everyone for a nice while. Melissa's a riot..she goes to Shannon in the dessert place (bear in mind shannon's of a fairly innocent ilk, and everyone's been trying to corrupt her.. i.e. "Turn her over to the dark side") "Come over to the dark siiiide..it's fun and tastes like chocolate..". No, while this in itself is funny, envision a 5'5 leather-coat clad hardcore girl talking through waving fingers in front of her mouth, ala cthulu. It made swallowing my tea something of a challenge.

Shannon's MCAT update: In a week. She's nervous.

I'm going to crawl back to bed because I'm still tired. Wednesday I'm going into photo class with Jon to be a model. Oddity. I think it'll be fun!

~Fox "Just call me gisele" Mackenzie
:: Fox 4/15/2002 08:22:00 AM [Say what?] ::
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