:: Searching for Puck... ::

:: Sunday, February 17, 2002 ::

Yay! Got back from Jow's just now.

I got there and the three of us (me, athy, jow) hung out for a bit and then steve arrived and we all started out for Improv Jam. I swear Red Bank gets further away every damn time I visit it. Blegh. So, the show was great and Steve actually volunteered, which surprised me. He was urged to do the "snoopy dance", which, because of Mike's strange wit and Steve's knee-high black shitkicker boots, was alternately dubbed "The hitler dance". (Just a note for all my overly sensitive readers out there...none of us are anti-semitic.) If you live in.around the Red Bank area, you should really check the show out. I've been a devoted fan for about two years now. www.improvjam.com

My past seems to come back to confront me lately. First with the whole Luigi's incident on valentine's night, and now yesterday. My whole premise for visiting the "wayne gang" was to visit a new store Jow happily reported the merits of, "spellbound". Well, we were driving to it soon after they picked me up last night (this was about 6pm, pre-improv journey.) I noticed the surrounding areas getting more and more familiar, and then panic set in.

As it turns out, Spellbound was in a very familiar place.

Exactly one block left of Marco's house.

I, of course, went directly into relapse and promptly began sobbing. Then I went on about a five minute muttering tirade of "Gee, I'm so close to Marco's house, I ought to go and visit him.." Thankfully Jow mentioned something along the lines of "If I so much as see a hair of that jerk in person, I'm going to disembowel him with the nearest sharp object." This called to mind the potential for first-degree murder to be committed, which would be unwise, and the fact that a good and honest person like jow carried such hatred for my bitterly-separated ex. As soon as we got out of rutherford, the momentary insanity of course passed, and we all went back to Jow's house for a good soothing dose of hugs, puppy kisses(courtesy of Nix) and anime, which made me feel much better.

I feel a bit better for having passed through and stood in my old stomping-grounds..like I had faced some demon I've been wrestling with since August. The nagging little voice in the back of my head that reminds me how much I miss Marco has succumbed to reason. It's not him I miss...it's familiarity. I had a routine that I was very comfortable in. School, family, work, boyfriend. That was torn away from me very suddenly, and it's only just now the shell-shock is wearing off. My hatred for Marco, however underhanded his final dealings and lies might have been, has faded into a mere ostrazation from my memories. Let him live how he will. I, for the first time since I met him, am through with Marco. It's time for me to move on, and to love again. I found a comfortable routine once, on very short notice, and I most assuredly can find another.

May Kuan Yin guide my heart with her compassion in this transition of my life. I am delivered into the light of logic, and the true fires of my own heart. May I softly put to rest the memories of the past..and take from them the knowledge that shall guide me..and leave with them the emotions that would hinder me.

Marco, wherever you are...good luck with everything. I forgive you all, and hope you do the same for me.

~Fox "I am free once more." Mackenzie

:: Fox 2/17/2002 04:32:00 PM [Say what?] ::
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